Worst year of my life....

I want a do over....

This year started with so much promise and love.  I was in love, my kids were moving on with their lives, my oldest was graduating from college and I thought it was my year to get done with my PhD.  Then everything started to fall apart in April.  Mike and separated, I moved back to my house I couldn't really afford, bills started to accumulate and while I tried to sell my house, I didn't get any good offers so I took it off the market.I started to dread even going into work and then Mike dropped the bomb that in the year and a half we were together, he never told me about his other child from another woman that he had. I started to panic that I was going to lose the one person I actually fell in love with.  When he told me he was moving to Mississippi to be with her, to be the dad he felt he needed to be, I was crushed.  He had come back from a visit down there and admitted to having sex with the mom ( which he swore would not happen before leaving) and now said he was not getting back with mom, just going to be dad. On top of it, he refused to see me before he left and then left without a goodbye.  I went into a pretty deep depression and even tho we started to talk occasionally again, I couldn't shake it. When he came home a month and half later, he said he would see me but I only saw him briefly at church one Sunday.  His reason was he hated to let me down and couldn't face me.  But I really love him and so the depression increased to the point of bad thoughts.  I finally made a call to a counselor (5 free visits with OSU plan) but the day I got hold of the counselor, was the day I was called into the chairs office and told my contract would not be renewed. So I lost my job which, for various reasons, made finishing the degree impossible.  I made the bad decision to contact the mom and tell her that Mike had herpes and if she was going to be with him she better have a talk  with him.  I didn't actually say he had herpes in the message but just told her to have a talk with him.  Actually I can hardly remember what I wrote because when I tried to send it, it never went through.  I figured it was Gods grace protecting me and forgot about it.  I had been trying to get something done with the unfinished tattoo mike started but had no luck.  It is too extensive to cover and probably too expensive.  On top of it, I was pretty sure Mike has given me the disease so with the lost job, no contact from Mike and all the other crap, I shot off a message to Mike letting him know all of it.  It did get him to respond and because I cant seem to resist him, even tho it's not a good relationship, we started talking again.  I asked if i could come visit and he said yes.  I asked  few times to be sure and he finally said to quit asking because he already said to come.  That's Mike , once he says it, no need to keep going on.  So I booked a flight and went down. 
It was almost a perfect trip.  Mike had told me before hand to not come with any expectations.  At this point, I had pretty much lost hope in us but really just wanted answers and to face Mike.  Somehow, I thought if I saw his face, I would get it in my head that it was over and could finally move on.  So I even packed a blanket and pillow because I was sure Mike would not have these for me and I planned on sleeping on the couch.  A few weeks before going down I had started a new tattoo with someone Mike worked with before.  I don't know why I picked him of all people.  I wanted his wife to do it but she thought it was too extensive for her skills and asked if her husband could do it instead.  I said it was fine.  I knew Mike and him were not great friends but that's about it.  When I got down to see mike, the first night as was falling asleep watching TV with mike, he said to come sleep in his room with him.  I figured he was just being kind so I didn't sleep on the couch.  And that's all it pretty much was.  We slept.
I wasn't sure what happened, were we going to try and work it out or not?  His mom and sister want us to but that doesn't matter to Mike.
The next day was Sunday.  We were going to hang out with his daughter, go to church and New Orleans.  We had a good time and by the end of the day, even tho it was not as the other day, we were enjoying the day.  Monday, I had to return some calls and got not great news.  I needed surgery.  I left on Tuesday for home and doctors appointments.
I met with the doctor Wednesday and he gave me the rundown.  Fibroids, probably benign but best to remove them since there's pain already and it will only get worse.  I also had a call back for a mammogram.  Now I know this is common and so was not really worried.  Friday I went to that appointment.  I had an area of concern.  They wanted to image it again and do an ultrasound.  They looked at it for what seemed like forever and finally the radiologist doctor told me we will have to do a biopsy to be sure.  I couldn't believe this all was happening.
I told mike but his response was just "sorry about your health and keep your chin up".  I told him i had no idea how to do that. Later he sent me a message asking if i had ever sent the mom a facebook message. WHAT? it didn't go through so I said no and why?  he said she insisted i did and she would show it to him.  I tried to call but no answer and so I wrote an email explaining it.  This is where i am at now.  I haven't talked to mike and I have no idea if she really has a message or not.  I am scared of what is happening to my body.  I might have herpes and I have no job and will most likely lose my house.  The man I love, I have screwed it up so bad (and frankly, so has he) that there is probably nothing really left to even salvage.  It's Christmas and the last thing I want to do is think about gods gift to the world.  I have lost my love for the joy of life.  I want to believe god cares and has a plan but I feel totally abandoned by everyone.  It's supposed to be a happy time and no one wants to think about the unhappy people with stuff going on.  It's easier to ignore that.  Even my oldest friend said she would call today but didn't.  Im not happy...